The Stinky News

Stinky News headline 2

Selections from past issues. Boring and irrelevant stuff has been removed, which is a lot.  Jerry writes most of this fluff, and has a great time doing it.  There’s links that don’t work, and obscure references to things no one remembers – kind of like Shakespeare – and hidden in there are some things that might make you laugh.

 

The STINKY NEWS
the tautological testament of trumperies
about the
  MN Garlic Festival
2016 Christmas Eve “Cat’s Away” Edition
HEADLINES:
A Note from Those Who are Not the Editor
Garlicky Christmas Present Recommendations
Men Who Eat Garlic Smell Better to Women
Garlic Festival Giving Away Kids
 
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Not-the-Editors’ Note
We, the staff of The Stinky News, are writing this edition without our Editor-in-Cheif, Ichabod Mortimer DeBoss [see footnote 1],  We gave him a present after the last Garlic Festival, and sent I. M. DeBoss to the “Greater Georgia Garlic Growers & Gourmands Gathering”, with a special tour package that included a cruise to the event location.  What we didn’t tell him is that this is in the country of Georgia, and that the cruise was an oil tanker going there via Xiamen, China.
His last instructions to us were, “And for cripes sake, do NOT publish an issue until I get back!”
He’s still there.
He sent us a postcard (yes, they have internet aboard the Altair Voyager — but we blocked his emails), saying that he had “safely arriven” in Georgia, though he and his wife, Heesa DeBoss, had no idea it would take so long to get there, and that they were having difficulty understanding the Southern accents. He then, true to form, recounted an unforgivably long story of a Men’s Support Group that formed on board the ship among the crew and passengers (see an edited transcript of it in footnote [2])
Our intent was to, just this once, publish an issue of The Stinky News that was actually the product of the staff writers, not the mutilated tripe that goes out once I.M. DeBoss does his “editing”.
Unfortunately, we failed in in our attempts to send our staff ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, with the editor.  He noticed that the cruise tickets were in “some language that resembled Russian”, and he has only agreed to go along with our little scheme if he can sensor some of the things we write:  the (socially unacceptable) things we might inflict upon you, our gentle readers.
So, here it is:  The Stinky News, almost the way it should be.
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Garlicky Christmas Present Recommendations
 
(Last year our erstwhile editor, who just now called us on a borrowed satellite phone to say that it seems the cruise tickets we gave him were only one-way, wrote a gratuitous list of gift recommendations blatantly based on product placement payments he had received.  Here’s our list for this year, and they’re all books, because, well, we’re writers.)
For the Love of Garlic:  the Complete Guide to Garlic Cuisine by Victoria Renoux
The best thing about this book is that you can get copies from Amazon for under $3.00.  Sure, it’s got the usual array of recipes, like Garlic Potato Cakes (a great name for a band, right?), and Garlic Focaccia [3]; but the really cool thing about this book is the “Garlic Through the Ages” chapter.
In writing about the ancient Greeks, Renoux recounts the story of King Minos, who may or may not have been the son of Zeus, who had a wife named Pasiphane who really liked (romantic evenings at home) a lot, and who wasn’t too terribly particular with whom or what she (spent romantic evenings at home).  When she fell in love with a white bull, Minos built her a wooden cow that she could hide in to (have a romantic evening at home) with the bull. This is how we got minotaurs and sirloin. 
“The Book of Garlic” by Lloyd J. Harris
This one you can get on Amazon for a penny.  Seriously.
Much of this book is made up, or, as the Chicago Tribune said, “a little crazy”.  With chapters on “Japanese Garlic Therapy”, “Alliaversion – Garlic Aversion in Literature”, “The Garlic Martini” and a score of pages dedicated to a totally fictional country somewhere in Eurasia that claims to be “The Land of the Sacred Garlic”, complete with forged documents and other almost-convincing pictures.
It’s all total bunkum, an alliaceous farrago of fallacious tomfoolery, a total fabrication.
And what rankles us most is that we didn’t write it.
50 Shades of Garlic” by E. L. Jones
We were shocked!  We knew that garlic was the “food of love”, but we didn’t know how specific a writer could be about it.  Ms. Jones’ book made us blush and almost (become very happy) nearly as many times as did her protagonist, Alliumnia Steele, which seemed to happen every other page.
An organic agriculture student, Alliumnia (“Alli” to all the friends she doesn’t have) goes to interview the young garlic farmer Chris Grey, and encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and has soil under his fingernails. The innocent Alli is startled to realize she wants (to spend quiet evenings at home) with this man and, despite his bachelor farmer reserve, finds she is actually desperate to (have a quiet evening at home) with him. Unable to resist Alli’s quiet beauty, wit, and pesto recipe, Grey admits he wants to (spend a quiet event at home) with her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erratic tastes, Alli hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his perfectly mulched garlic bed, his John Deere tractor, his complete set of Eversharp cutlery—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to (spend quiet evenings at home with his partner tied up and blindfolded). When the couple embarks on a daring, passionate (series of quiet evenings at home), Alli discovers Chris Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires (to spend more quiet evenings at home making pesto) and (become very happy).  A lot.
The Jesus Cow a novel by Michael Perry
All of us here at Stinky News World Headquarters are rabid fans of Michael Perry, and he’s also a favorite among the farmer and foodie cohort.  Several of his books are semi-autobiographical (“Population 485”, “Truck: A Love Story”), but in this outing, Perry ventures into fiction – though still set in a Wisconsin town whose population struggles to remain in the three-digit range – and he obviously had a lot of fun writing it.
The story revolves around the birth of a new calf on Christmas Eve at a struggling farm on the edge of town, as we discover in the prologue:
“. . . the bachelor Harley Jackson stepped into his barn and beheld there illuminated in the straw a smallish newborn calf upon whose flank was borne the very image of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  ‘Well,” said Harley, “that’s trouble.’ “
And the story weaves it’s quotidian magic from there.  The Jesus Cow is good read on a cold winter night, as are all of Perry’s books.
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Men Who Eat Garlic Smell Better to Women
So says a news report aired on a TV station in Greensboro, NC, citing a study done in “Prague” (according to the reporter).
This is good news to all those bachelor garlic growers.
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Garlic Festival Giving Away Kids
We received a press release entitled, “Garlic Festival to Give Away Free Kids” from the  Admissions Coordinator and Festival Philosopher, Tim “Red” Kirkman, who went on to write,”MN Garlic Festival will no longer charge for kids under 12.”
A quick call to Kirkman cleared up the matter:  he missed a typo, and the line should have read, “Garlic Festival to Give Away Free Kids Tickets“.  He elaborated that, starting in 2016, all children under the age of 12 will get in free instead of being charged $3.00.  Whereas on the surface this may seem like a family-friendly promotional move, it turns out it had more to do with simple math.
It appears that the ticket sellers at the front gate, recruited exclusively from liberal arts programs at the Hutchinson Arts School for the Humanities (HASH), were having trouble figuring the total price for, say, a family of six who presented a 2-for-1 Ticket Coupon: “OK, that’s 2 x $5 plus 4 x $3 minus a 2-for-1 coupon for the lower ticket price . . . oh, sod it [4], just give me a ten dollar bill and we’ll call it even.”
So, now every ticket that has a price has the price of $5.00.  If you’re a kid under 12, or even acting like one, they’ll let you in free.  Even a philosophy or art history major should be able to do that math.
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FOOTNOTES
[1] That’s his real name, by the way.  He uses a pen name, or “Name De Plum” as he says, when he edits this paper, but it changes with every issue.
[2] Wrote Mr. I.M. DeBoss:
“The men’s group flew in a guest motivational speaker, John Iron, who did an inspiring talk on relationships.
 ‘How many of you men have (romantic evenings at home) with your partners every day?’  said Mr. Iron.
A large number of guys proudly raised their hands.
‘And how many have (romantic evenings at home) at least weekly?’,
More hands raised.
‘Now, how many of you have (romantic evenings at home) about once a month?’
A few timid hands raised.
‘Are there any here who only have (romantic evenings at home) once a year?’
So I jumped up, waved my arms, and shouted, ‘Me! Me!’
‘Why are you so excited?’ asked Mr. Iron, to which I replied,
‘It’s TONIGHT!'”
[3] A word that we’ll add to the 11th Annual Words-That-Sound-Naughty-But-Aren’t List (see the 10th Annual list here.)
[4] Liberal arts majors use phrases like “sod it” and “bugger off” especially after they’ve been binge-watching the first four seasons of Downton Abbey, which they all do.
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THE STINKY NEWS
The Euphonious and Discursive Newsletter of
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
April 2013 Edition
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Headlines:
GARLIC in FASHION
FUNISTRADA BOONDOGGLE
A SHORT HISTORY of COOKBOOKS
FOLLOW-UP to “THE BIGGEST THING EVER” ARTICLE
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GARLIC in FASHION
This year’s festival will present not one but two fashion events!
The “Eco Fashion Frenzy Upcycle Fashion Show” returns this year to the Argibition Stage, featuring the fabrications of the fabulous Fiber and Fabric Guild of Hutchinson, under the direction of local artist, Careen Pierson.
And we are pleased to announce that we have booked the timeless and critically-declaimed “Rogue Runway Show”, with it’s cast of haute coiffure cuties in such acts as “50 Ways to Trash your Volunteer Staff T-shirt”, “Men in Skirts”, “The Latest in Goat Milking Apparel” and “Seduced by Dr. Suess”.
Both shows will run alternating performances throughout the day on the Argribition Stage, which is, appropriately, in the same space as the MN Wine and Craft Beer, Kite Making and Garlic Growing Contest, not to mention cattle judging during the McLeod County Fair.
In the meantime, we give you an exercise in oxymoronity: an Iowa Fashion Show.
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FUNISTRADA BOONDOGGLE
When Garlic Festival management announced the Funistrada Recipe Contest, they were confident of an overwhelming response, based on the market research they’d neglected to do.  Now they find themselves flummoxed by the resounding lack of entries, and a bit embarrassed.  So confident were they of an noisome* response that they hired a team of crack recipe testers** who now report to work each day with little to do.  They have “tested” the single contest entry, Funistrada Hogshead Sausage**** by Chris Kudrna, no less than 50 times, much to the chagrin of the local porcine population.
So, let’s help the festival resolve this paucity of pestos, this insouciance of sauces, this deplorable dearth of delicacies and deficit of delectables.
Enter the Funistrada Recipe Contest today, and save a pig!
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A SHORT HISTORY of COOKBOOKS
Speaking of recipes, consider for a moment the evolution of the American cookbook.  According to Bill Bryson*****, the first to appear on this continent in 1742 was “American Cookery, or the Art of Dressing Viands, Fish, Poultry and Vegetables, and the Best Modes of Making Pates, Puffs, Pies, Tarts, Puddings, Custards and Preserves and All Kinds of Cakes, from the Imperial Plum to Plain Cake, Adapted to the Country and All Grades of Life, by Amelia Simmons: An American Orphan”*  This delightful tome includes such recipes as “A Sickbed Custard”, “To Dress a Turtle”, “Tongue Pie” and “A Whipt Syllabub”.
If we move forward in time and more local in location, “100 Years of Good Cooking: Minnesota Centennial Cookbook” has a recipe from every county in the state.  The one from Wright County is a bit of a paradox: after extolling the beauty of the “important resort centers” of Annandale and Buffalo Lakes, and listing the resident fish as “pike, bass, sunfish and crappie”, we are then, incongruously, treated to a recipe for shrimp casserole.  Perhaps not by accident, all the other counties give credit to the recipe’s author – Mrs O.P. Bakken of Aitken, Mrs. Ona Sorenson of Bagley, Mrs. Kay Wammer of Baudette, and so on –  but no cook took credit for Wright County’s shrimp cocktail recipe, or even the accompanying instructions for bread pudding (“Serve with any drained fruit or hard sauce”).
In an elegant resolution to this oversight – this slight to Wright County – we give you Mary Jane Miller, who is not only from Buffalo, but is willing to take blame credit for authoring the latest great Minnesota culinary compendium, “The Official Garlic Festival Cookbook”, which you may purchase at the website.
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FOLLOW-UP to “THE BIGGEST THING EVER” ARTICLE
As part of our forgiveness-is-easier-than-permission policy, prior to publishing last month’s article, “The Biggest Thing Ever“, we sent a copy for approval to our astronomical consultant, Elton Witt; and then we waited about 10 minutes for him to reply.  When he did not, we went to press with it.  (Mr. Witt is a rocket scientist – really – or aerospace engineer to be more exact, who has built doodads for the International Space Station.  He’s also a singer/songwriter – aren’t they all? – and you can check out his latest album at  www.innerstateone.com )  Anyway, he finally responded a month later by referring us to a website with a video of an astronaut****** showing what happens when you wring out a wet washcloth in space:  http://www.hngn.com/articles/2015/20130418/fun-experiment-astronaut-wrings-out-washcloth-space-watch-what-happens.htm
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8th Annual
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
August 10th, 2013, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Mcleod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
$5 adults, $3 kids, free babies, $1 parking
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* This probably isn’t the word we meant, but still somehow appropriate.
** No, that doesn’t mean people who test crack recipes, but rather that they are expert, skillful, formidable, virtuosic, masterly, consummate, excellent, first-rate, first-class, outstanding, superlative, and pretty darn good at whatever it is that recipe testers do.
***** From “Made in America” by Bill Bryson.  There’s no one quite like Bryson as a source of factoids that you can mercilessly inflict on your soon-to-be former friends.
****** The same Canadian astronaut appears in this gorgeous video, singing with the band, Bare Naked Ladies, thus proving our point that most spacey people are singer/songwriters.
**** Here’s Mr. Kudrna’s funistrada entry – a recipe by his mother, Ann M. Kudrna.
Jitrnice Sausage, a Czech or Bohemian sausage
(Jitrnice is pronounce ‘eterneatsee’ if that helps anyone)
1 – pig’s head
1/2 – pork liver
1 – heart
Add to cook about a 4lb. pork roast—do not overcook meat
Save cooking juice–about 2 cups of broth
1 pkg barley per head
Salt and pepper to taste, not to use iodized salt.
Garlic cloves to taste
Cook everything separate.
Scrape pigs head including brushing teeth and mouth using the traditional funistrada method.
Use broth only from pork roast — add lots of salt — use broth for flavoring. All other juice throw away.
If you put into casings you put the sausage into boiling water for about a minute to set.

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THE STINKY NEWS

The Grandiloquent Bi-Whenever* Newsletter of
MN Garlic Festival
March 2013 Edition
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Headlines:
GARLIC FESTIVAL SHUTS DOWN the INTERNET
(Attention Festival Vendors!)
The BIGGEST THING EVER
WHY the TWINE BALL FESTIVAL is BETTER than GARLIC FEST
GARLIC SMUGGLING in NORWAY
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GARLIC FESTIVAL SHUTS DOWN the INTERNET
Attention Garlic Fest VENDORS:  Festival Management has announced that there will be no online vendor application this year.  They say you can put your credit cards away, get out your checkbooks, and download the printable form at: http://www.sfa-mn.org/vendor-application/
When we sent a Stinky News reporter over to the Garlic Festival Operations Office to find out just what the heck was going on, we confronted Festival Management with the accusation leveled by the Head of the Garlic Festival Vendors Union that the Garlic Festival Management are “Befuddled Eccentric Dimwits Who Eschew Technology”.  Management’s reply was, “Shucks, we’re sorry”.  When pressed further, they admitted, “Well, we probably ARE a bunch of B.E.D.W.E.T’s; but we really tried to make this online thing work. Then our brains exploded, so we gave up”.
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The BIGGEST THING EVER
Astronomers recently discovered the largest thing in the universe that isn’t actually the universe, and in a fit of understatement called it the Large Quasar Group.  That’s like calling congress “a bit of a mess”.  Unable to contain themselves, the astronomers ran across the hall to the astrophysicists, crying, “Ooo! Ooo! Look what we found!”  The astrophysicists – commonly referred to in the pro science world as Assfizzies – were totally jealous that they hadn’t seen it first, and more than a little peeved, because they had written up this whole set of rules that says just how big the biggest thing could actually be within the confines of this universe and a couple of other ones; but the Large Quasar Group (LQG) tipped the proverbial bathroom scales by a few million light years.
The LQG, which can be seen with the naked eye if you’re on Betelgeuse by looking roughly in the direction of the sky, is actually four billion light years across.  A billion is a number with only slightly fewer zeros than a mid-season Twins box score.  And it’s only 9 billion light years away, so if it wanted to, it could take two steps and a skip and kick our butt.
For comparison, if the Earth was a garlic bulb (the ancient Allicians thought it was, and also believed that time would end in 2014 in a cataclysmic apocalypse called “The Press” . . . you know, “cataclysmic apocalypse” is a bit redundant, isn’t it? I mean, who ever heard of a piddling apocalypse?), so if, figuratively speaking, the Earth was the size of a garlic bulb, our solar system would the size of the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. This is known as String Theory. By comparixon, the LQG would be the size of almost everything else.
So, according to current science, the LQG is too big to exist, so most Assfizzies have chosen to ignore it and hope it goes away.
We here at Stinky News Astronomical Research Debunkment Lab and Eatery (SNARBLE) just think that the LQG is showing off and is compensating for other things.
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WHY the TWINE BALL FESTIVAL is BETTER than GARLIC FEST
Our little sister event**, The Twine Ball Festival (TBF), is on the same day as Minnesota Garlic Festival (MGF), and we want everyone to know just how highly we think of their little shindig: here is the Top 10 List of the ways that TBF is better than MGF.
10) TBF has a listing on TripAdvisor.com; MGF does not.
9) According to TripAdvisror. com, the Twine Ball Museum is  the #1 attraction in Darwin, MN. (They only list one attraction in Darwin.);  however, MGF is not the only attraction in Hutchinson.
8) TripAdvisor.com gave TBF four out of five “owl eyes” on their rating scale, with one review reporting “It’s a hoot, but once is enough”, and another breathlessly recounts that not only can you see the twine ball (you can’t touch it) you can also sign the guest book! Another touted the “barren landscapes and wind-swept roads” of the surrounding area.  MGF has no such reviews.
7) TBF is in a town named Darwin, which is redolent of science, intellect and lower primates; while MGF is in a town named Hutchinson, which just sounds kind of normal.
6) The Twine Ball has a Wikipedia listing, MGF does not.
5) MGF has to resort to a tacky website to try to convince people to come; TBF doesn’t need one.
4) MGF only offers MN Wines and craft beers;  Darwin (a town of 350) has two bars, both of which have at least four types of light beer.
C) TBF has one really big ball; while MGF has little balls (bocce).
3) TBF has supporters that will say such grandiose things as, “We don’t have much of a town left, but the twine ball really draws ’em in”;  whereas MGF just has a director that says things like, “It’s the most fun you can have and go home smelling really different”.
2) TBF has a tractor pull with riding lawnmowers; MGF is jealous because we wish we’d thought of that instead of bowling with vegetables.
And the Number One reason that The Twine Ball Festival is better than MN Garlic Festival . . .
1) MGF has a 6-foot fake garlic bulb named Gertie; but TBF has a twine ball made of real twine.
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GARLIC SMUGGLING in NORWAY
Two British guys smuggled 1.2 tons of garlic from China into Norway.  Why?  So that they could drive it across the border to Sweden.  Why? So that they wouldn’t have to pay $1.3 million in tariffs.
And we thought that Scandinavians didn’t like garlic!
For a perspective on just how big 1.2 tons of garlic is, we’ve turned to Garlic Grower, Chris Kudrna, who holds a BA from Macalester College, where he graduated magna cum laude, and an MBA at the University of Chicago with an emphasis in Finance and String Theory – – so he should know better.
Said Kudrna, “Imagine that 1.2 tons of garlic is the Large Quasar Group . . .”  Then our brains exploded.
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Minnesota Garlic Festival
Saturday, August 10th, 2013
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds in Hutchinson
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* In our constant search to find examples of other publications that are more dysfunctional than we are, we give you GQ, which stands for Gentleman’s Quarterly.  It’s published 12 times a year.

** It’s quite likely that they don’t know they are our sister event, probably because we keep forgetting to tell them.

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The Stinky News – July 2011
The Quasi-Ineluctable Newsletter of Minnesota Garlic Festival

HEADLINES:

VAMPIRES vs. LYCANTHROPES
FORMER DRIPS UNDER PRESSURE
GET SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING OR SOMETHING LIKE IT

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VAMPIRES VS. LYCANTHROPES
This dialogue actually appeared on Facebook*, the only source of information more inconsistently reliable than Wikipedia:
“MN has a Garlic Festival. I want to go.”
“Don’t…It’s just a political rally filled with (a) bunch of Neo-lycanthropes spewing anti-vampire rhetoric”.
http://failbook.failblog.org/2011/07/12/funny-facebook-fails-theres-always-an-agenda/comment-page-1/#comment-353564

FORMER DRIPS UNDER PRESSURE**
We like to say that Garlic Fest “tricks people into learning about sustainability,” and one of the more blatant tactics is the “ASK THE EXPERT” Stage. Throughout the day, experts on everything from medicinal herbs to homegrown honey to extending the growing season to, of course, the uses and culture of the King of Herbs (garlic) will wax prolix with the particular punctilios of these subjects. The grand finale is a panel discussion by two of Minnesota’s most pre-elegant*** authorities on garlic, Dr. Carl Rosen and the Grandpappy of MN Garlic, Joel Girardin.

“ASK THE EXPERT” is a production of McLeod County Extension Service, directed this year by their very capable intern, Karen Anderson.

GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING OR SOMETHING LIKE IT

A Special Secret Deal for Stinky News Readers only!***** You can download a highly valuable 2-for-1 ticket coupon at the hidden link on the festival website; but you must first decode the following instructions and follow the following instructions that follow precisely as written:

1) Go to the festival website: http://www.mngarlicfest.com;
2) Click on the link on the left, “Printable 2-for-1 Ticket Coupon”;
3) Put the lime in the coconut, mix it all together;
4) Send the link to all your friends;
5) Print the coupon;
6) Bring it with your busload, caravan or dirigible full of your closest friends to the festival and show it to the nice people at the front gate.
7) Cha-ching!

* Even though it sounds just like something we’d make up.
** It’s an old joke: How do you define “expert”: ”ex” = former; ”spurt” = a drip under under pressure.
*** Maybe that’s not the right word, but it certainly scans well.
***** And everybody else.

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The Stinky News – May 2011

The Irregular Newsletter of Minnesota Garlic Festival
WWW.MNGARLICFEST.COM

HEADLINES:
FESTIVAL DIRECTOR GETS MUDBOOTS
PROMENADERS WANTED
BOOTLEG AUDIO and PHOTO MONTAGE
AMERICINN IS GOING TO STINK
WEBSITE COLOR CONTROVERSY

FESTIVAL DIRECTOR GETS MUDBOOTS
Festival Director Jerry Ford has successfully completed negotiations to bring The Mudboots Crew Marching Band, which is made up entirely of farmers, farmhands and asylum escapees from the musical meccas of Milan and Montevideo, Minnesota, to perform at this year’s festival. Whereas details of the hard-won agreement are sketchy – figures as high as the ten’s of dollars have been reported – it appears that the deal was sealed when Ford promised to “name our next-born ‘Mudboot’” if the group would appear. This condition so delighted Head Mudbootee, Malena Handeen, that she instantly signed the contract, only to discover later, in a fine print sub-paragraph of the codicil, the punctilio that “the heretofore mentioned next-born shall be of the bovine persuasion” – and there is now a perky, blackfooted Holstein calf at Ford’s farm who bears the name “Mudboots.”

The Mudboots Crew Marching Band – imagine a Mardi Gras parade crashing into a truckload of organic farm workers being driven to the hospital by a herd of ravenous foodies – is comprised of Food-loving Folk from west-central Minnesota farms such as Sundance, Moonstone, Earthrise, Borgendale Dairy, Easy Bean, and Humble Roots Heritage Farm; as well as out-patients from the Milan Village Asylum and Art School, under the direction of their posteminent director*, Woody Vie Kingstatue.

Front-woman and Head Mudbootee, Malena Handeen, rallies the band exactly the way that John Philip Sousa wouldn’t, as they expound on the merits of living close to the earth, inciting call-and response chanting, cheering and caterwauling from the unsuspecting crowds.

PROMENADERS WANTED
WANTED: Prospective participants for the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade to perk up the parade. Prizes provided. Parley up by the twin silos at 1:20 p.m. to partake in the peppy promenade, which proceeds at precisely 1:37 p.m. to perambulate the public party then in progress at the Festival, all under the direction of Promenade Director*, Irene “I-Love-a-Parade” Bender.**

Prerequisites to participate: Historically inaccurate garments (Middle Ages or earlier); the ability to detect the difference between Chiogga and Merlin beets by smell alone; pink flamingos; and an unabashed affection for all things allium. Oh yeah – it helps if you have a musical instrument, though being able to play it is not necessary, as long as you have fun and look good while holding it!

Things not allowed: long faces, breath mints, taking it seriously.

The Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade will be led by Minneapolis Police Pipe and Drum Corps, and it includes the Mudboots Crew Marching Band (see above), Fashion Models from the Crow River Arts organic fashion show, The Narren of New Ulm, The Garlic Diva (Allicin Aglio, aka Kitty Karn), Storytellers from India, Mu Taiko Community Drummers, and Clairseach (Irish musicians from Winthrop).

BOOTLEG AUDIO AND PHOTO MONTAGE
By t-shirt vendor and veteran of all five festivals so far, from 2009:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3keKJxHe9_E

AMERICINN IS GOING TO STINK
Sara Baumetz, manager at Americinn in Hutchinson, has offered an $85 special Garlic Fest weekend rate – versus the normal $96.90 – just mention the garlic festival to get the discount. AND…you get two tickets for the price of one with room key, one offer per key.

Heck of a deal. We’re just sorry for any other Saturday night guests when you folks return to the hotel after a day soaking up all that garlic.

WEBSITE COLOR CONTROVERSY
Sustainable Farming Association of MN, the non-profit organization that sponsors the festival, spent mega-bucks designing a nifty new logo and revamping their website. Then they asked us to move the festival’s website – which had worked just fine where it was for five years, thank you – into their new format, which we were loath to do. Have you seen their color scheme? They paid some consultant handsomely to come up with turquoise*** and brown?! It totally clashes with the festival’s chosen pallete: green and yellow****. If the Garlic Festival stands for anything, it’s good taste*****; we simply couldn’t accept this obvious and odious clash of color coordination – so we resoundingly refused their offer.

“We have our principles! Our standards! Long live the Green and Yellow,” we cried!
“We pay for your website,” they reposted.
“Oh. . . urm. . . well, turquoise and brown aren’t so bad,” we recanted.

So, check it out, it’s kind of cute: http://www.mngarlicfest.com .
(Not to worry – our logo is still green and yellow!******)

Jerry Ford, Editor in Chief
Nick Neaton, Editor in Cognito

* Did we just use “Direction” and “director” in the same sentence? The Stinky News staff would heartily welcome the donation of a thesaurus.
** Regular Stinky News readers will remember that Irene retired from the festival last year, sort of. She returns this year as a Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade consultant. Or maybe she’s just peculiar.
*** Or is it teal?
**** Which bears a striking, though completely coincidental resemblance to John Deere’s trademark colors. We didn’t pay some hoity-toity consultant to come up with this – the festival director picked it because it’s his undergraduate alma mater’s colors.
***** Or is it “tasting good”?
****** Or black and white, when we can’t afford color printing.

#############

The
STINKY NEWS
Official Newsletter of 

Minnesota Garlic Festival

(sometime in 2011 – March, Maybe?)

March Bulblines*:
– GARLIC IS UP!
– POSTER DESIGN COMPETITION
– FESTIVAL ON FACEBOOK
– VOLUNTEER!
– ENTERTAINMENT PREVIEW
– GARLIC HEADS SPEAKING AT WESTONKA EVENT
– POEM OF THE MONTH
—————–
GARLIC IS UP!
“Sprout sightings” started coming in from around the state, but – much like Bigfoot sightings – many were unreliable and a little suspicious, not to mention hard to photograph. However, the March Madness snowstorm cut short the glorious sproutage. Not to worry, our Northern garlics can take freezing temperatures, even at this early age. Lindsay Rebhan took this picture from her garden – though it looks a lot like one in Google Images – on March 21st.
———————–
POSTER DESIGN COMPETITION
Create a poster that best interprets and represents MN Garlic Festival (extra points if it’s scratch-and-sniff); win a cash prize and a – you read it here first, folks – a bunch of garlic!  And, of course, your poster will be used to help promote the 6th Annual Festival! 
This is just an idea, but you may want to include on your poster the disclaimer: “No vampires were harmed in the creation of this poster, but several fast-food patrons were slightly offended by it.”

 ——————–

VOLUNTEER!
You’ve had a “Members Only” jacket and a “I Shot J.R.” baseball cap – what could be better than getting one of those volunteers-only, bright red t-shirts with the festival logo on the front and “STAFF” on the back?  If you wear it to a concert, you can sneak in backstage with no questions asked (“It’s OK, they’re on STAFF”); and if you wear it in a Target store, customers will think you work there***.
————————
GARLIC HEADS***** SPEAKING AT WESTONKA HORTICULTURE DAY
Festival Director, Jerry Ford, and Cafe Coordinator, Greg Reynolds, will be presenting at:
Westonka Horticulture Day
Greg is the keynote speaker and doesn’t know what he’s talking about (well, it says in the program “topic to be announced” – perhaps: “13 Ways To Say ‘Romanesco’ Without Really Trying”).  
Jerry’s presentation is called “Growing Great Northern Garlic”, and has a really cool slide show, but no pyrotechnics.
There are also sessions on apples, cat shaving******, chickens, composting, espalier, landscaping, mushrooms, ornamentals, shade plants, vegetables and winemaking. 
 ————————
POEM OF THE MONTH
Here’s a poem written in 2009 when a late snowstorm covered the garlic sprouts.
The garlic is underground, 
like some seething cell of radicals,
insinuating deep roots,
waiting for the perfect moment to riot. 
Put your ear to the groundswell, 
eavesdropping, and hear snatches of incendiary phrases: 
“Pesto”, “Pasta” “Salsa”, 
“When do we strike?” 
Not today, 
snow still sequesters the soil, 
as cloves bide their time.
* You see, it’s a pun on “head”, since, botanically speaking, a garlic “bulb” is actually a “head” (a garlic “clove”, botanically speaking, is technically a “bulb”), so “headline” becomes “bulbline”.  OK, it’s not funny if we have to explain it.
*** This has actually happened to one of our full-time writing staff****, and at a Wal-mart, too, which is even odder, since their corporate color is blue.  So, if it happens to you, and a customer asks “do you have groceries here?”, you can say, “Yeah, but they’re better at the local food co-op”.
**** Full disclosure: they aren’t really full-time. They aren’t really writers, either, except for one, and she’s more of a poet. And two of them choose to remain anonymous for obvious reasons. 
***** Another pun, right? 
****** Learn what kind of paring knife is best for this delicate but deeply satisfying procedure.
 #########

The Stinky News

The Odoriferous* Occasional Oracle of the Minnesota Garlic Festival
Independence Day, 2009
************************
In this issue:
– Garlic Growers Save the World
– Too Many Chefs?
– AmericInn Offers Special Rates on Mephitic-Isolated Rooms
************************
GARLIC GOWERS SAVE THE WORLD
Garlic growers across the state are reporting a fine crop in the fields.  The hardneck garlics have started to “scape”, a process described by Dr. Carl Rosen**, a renowned Garlic Expert who also dabbles in Soil Science at U of M, as “a shameless display of reproduction”, in which the plant produces a single flower stalk.  But there’s something odd about it: this stalk, known as a “scape“, starts off as an innocuous pigtailesque curly-que.  If not removed – and it should be removed – it coyly makes another curly-que, and another.  Then, suddenly, it straightens out, with some varieties achieving a height of over 5 feet.  
Strange as all that sounds, it gets even stranger.  According to Dr. Rosen, “The scape straightens out when it has reached the proper length to act as an antenna to receive the proper frequency for transmissions from the Mother Ship, which is orbiting Earth.  You see, garlic reproduces asexually – no cross pollination or even a first date – but it has to get the stimulation, er, I mean SIGNAL to reproduce from somewhere.  The scape receives the transmission, and then follows the instructions sent by the Mother Ship to produce miniature garlic bulbs, called bulbils, in the flower pod.  Then they take over human bodies“. 
There are coincidental benefits to removing the scapes:  “you can use them in stir fry, salad, pesto – almost anywhere you’d normally use garlic cloves,” says Rosen, “and the garlic plant puts all it’s energy underground into producing large bulbs.  Oh, and we save the planet from mindless zombie pod people.  Mostly.”
******************
TOO MANY CHEFS?
We’ve all heard the ancient axiom “Too many cooks spoil the stew”.  “It ain’t necessarily so,” says organic farmer Greg Reynolds***, who has served as director of the Garlic Festival’s own restaurant, The Great Scape Cafe, since the early 1950’s.  When Reynolds saw that the kitchen is substantially larger at the festival’s new location, McLeod County Fairgrounds, his first thought was that he could recruit even more celebrity chefs.  “Let’s cram ’em in there and see what happens”.
Well, “what happens” is an incredible menu of garlicky gourmet grub served from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. on festival day, August 15th.  Here’s a roster of the Minnesota Chefs that Reynolds has recruited – many of whom will also present Cooking Demonstrations under the direction of Chef Wranger, Mary Jane Miller.
Gina Coburn of Delano’s Three Crows Cafe & Coffee House
Joe Foster of Hutchinson’s Zella’s

So, that’s nine chefs cooking in one kitchen.  Says Reynolds, “If it turns into a food fight, it’s going to be a good one!”; and Festival Director Jerry Ford adds, “And we’d like to point out that it’s all locally produced food”.

*****************
AMERICINN OFFERS SPECIAL FESTIVAL RATES
In preparation for the happy hordes of festival followers flocking to Hutchinson for the 4th Annual MN Garlic Festival, AmericInn is offering special weekend rates on their patented “Mephitic-Isolated Rooms”****
The deal:
$89.90 for any standard room up to a King Executive. For an additional $10, upgrade to a King 2 room or whirlpool suite! 
Most of the suites include one bed and a pull out couch. 
This rate is good for Friday Aug. 14th and Sat. Aug. 15th.
Present your AmericInn room key at the festival admissions gate  and recieve 2 admission tickets for the price of 1.
When making reservations, ask for “The Garlic Festival Rate”.
Reservations: 888-205-3488  
*******************
* Our Etymological Editor wishes to point out that there are actually three separate versions of this word: odoriferous, odiferous, and odorous. All three are equally applicable to the festival.
** Disclaimer: The remarks attributed to Dr. Rosen bear no resemblance to anything he actually said.
*** Disclaimer:  Greg Reynolds never said any of this tripe either.
**** Disclaimer:  And we made up the bit about “mephitic-isolated rooms”, but they do have great sound isolation in them.
***** Again, from the Etymological Editor: “The term ‘stink’, and it’s myriad derivations and conjugations (stank, stunk, stinkin’, stinkalicious, etc.) are, in the context of MN Garlic Festival, considered terms of highest praise, even endearment. 

#######

THE STINKY NEWS
July 22, 2009
The pseudo-monthly missive of the Minnesota Garlic Festival

In this Special Issue:
– Garlic Festival Gets a WEDGIE
– Wine Tasting at the Festival
– We Love a Parade
– More Chefs
—————–

Garlic Festival Gets a WEDGIE

The Wedge Natural Foods Co-op of Minneapolis has awarded MN Garlic Festival a major sponsorship, the coveted Wedgie Award*. In appreciation of this honor, the Festival has offered The Wedge the naming rights to the performance stage. At first, Wedge management considered naming the stage “Bob”, but fortunately reconsidered. Instead, our garlic guzzling patrons will enjoy chef’s cooking demos and fine entertainment at “The Wedge Co-op Local Foods/Local Arts Stage”.

We’re very excited to begin this collaboration with The Wedge, and greatly appreciate their support.

—————–
Wine Tasting at the Festival

It’s been a long and arduous journey getting to the point where we can proudly announce that there will be a
Local Wine Tasting
2:00 – 6:00
For an addition charge of only $5.00 per person at the door.

The entirely fictitious tale** of how this came to be begins when Greg Reynolds, co-progenitor of the Festival, while taking a nap after munching his favorite garlic bagel, received a channeled message from an ancient Garlician that garlic and wine go well together. Thinking that the message meant that there should be wine made from garlic, Reynolds first approached his neighbor, Mike Dickerman of Woodland Hill Winery.
“I come with a momentous message, Mike”, said Reynolds, “a dead Garlician told me you need to make garlic wine.”
As security escorted him to the front gate, Reynolds could still hear Dckerman’s uncontrollable laughter ringing in the fermentation room.
A succession of sad scenes followed as Reynolds approached Millner Heritage Vineyard and Winery, where Don, Mary, Jon, and Anna Millner patiently listened to his story and recommended that he spend less time in the sun; then Ron & Kimberly Wothe of Glacial Ridge Winery hardly got through “Sure Greg, we’ll get on that right after we perfect the rutabaga white” before breaking out into howls of derisive laughter. Finally, Karin and Eric Koenen had already been warned by the others and closed Hinterland Vineyards early, leaving a note on the front door that read, “Greg, go home and sleep it off”.
So he did. And he dreamed once again that the same ancient Garlician came to him in a glowing light that sparkled exactly the way that garlic wine wouldn’t. Looking into Greg’s eyes with a expression that spoke volumes of compassion for his failed mission, the Garlician, who was coincidentally named Bob, dopeslapped Greg upside the head, and said, “What are you thinking?! I didn’t say to make garlic wine! I said to have a Tasting of local wines at the Garlic Festival!”
Then Greg Reynolds went forth and made it so.

——————

We Love a Parade

This just in from our illustrious Garlic Chair:
The Kingdom of Garlic will celebrate the 4th Annual Minnesota Garlic Festival on Saturday, August 15 at precisely 12:37 with a Peculiar, Pragmatic Promenade around the McLeod County Fair Grounds.
Everyone is welcome to participate, and all promenaders should assemble by the windmill at the main fair grounds entrance at 12:15.
The theme is, of course, garlic, with a twist on anything that sustainable people promote.
Vendors, here is your chance to promote your product.
Prizes will be awarded for:
Most Peculiar,
Pragmatic (study of events with emphasis on cause and effect, Funk & Wagnalls Standard Encyclopedic Dictionary)
Best Promenade Routine.
Bagpipers of the Minneapolis Police Pipe Band will lead the parade followed by the Garlic Diva and Princess, Mr. Fun, Xibaba’s Brazillian samba, and YOU!
Pragmatically speaking, this will be one preculiar promenade. Come prepared.
Remember! Show up in costume & get $1 off the ticket price.

—————–

More Chefs

When Lori Valenziano, a chef at Lucia’s, heard that there were already nine cooks designing the menu and working at The Great Scape Cafe at the festival, she said****, “Hey! I was there last year! I want to join the food fight again!” You can download a flyer of the fine festival food on the website at the “Guest Chefs” link. Then inflict it on all your friends by printing it or emailing it to them.

——————-
*OK, we at the festival made up the name of this award, but the Wedge thought it was funny, too, and went along with us on it.
** The people in this story are real***, but you can’t seriously believe they would actually say or do any of these things, can you?
*** Except for the Garlicians. Or are they???
**** We made up this quote, too.

#######

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One Response to The Stinky News

  1. Robert Tucker says:

    Really enjoyed perusing your website. Retired now after raising Black Galloway cattle for years near Luck WI. (Traprock Galloways) We downsized to a 40 acre plot near Chetek, WI where we built our retirement home. We have horse paddocks to summer pasture some of our daughters horses, raised bed veggie gardens, perennial gardens, lots of young fruit trees, old pasture with several wild apple trees and 25 acres of old hayground. Spend our winters in South Texas, enjoying life but miss the chickens, the big garden and the act of producing an annual crop of quality cattle.

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